what you meant to me

hye

hello fellas

now is 7.09pm

8.09 KST 

I am here counting on Bang Yongguk's birthday

this is as well as my lovely sisters birthday

actually, I have been holding this feeling quite a while

for a week if i counted

its not that long ago but I know

this is a scar that will not heal in a month even

there is one time 

my housemate and I are watching one of B.A.P shows

we get all excited and laughing all around

talking about how cute they are

talking about how lovely their voice are

but our fangirling mode are up to some scene which 

I bet , other fans will feel the same

he is not my bias but I still feel that way
that we are happily tweeted it in our accounts
but .... someone misunderstood what we said
and say bad things behind us
thing is , I ask that person to watch the show so that she knows what we felt
but then I saw her tweeted that 
" idk what it is and i dont even bother watching it "

well be it

perhaps only matured people like both of us

who only can notice that

idk

what makes me feel this way is

I am so mad 

coz when I am talking around

some people are bashing me at the back

and worst is 

what she said was a spark for my friend too

I am so mad and sad at the same time

how could you say that to us? T_T

1) she doesnt want to watch it
2) she misunderstood us
3 ) she spread bad things about us

well bashing is something that we are used to face

but calling us a fan that is not supportive

really hurt our feeling

seriously 

it hurts a lot

I know 

some will say

" why you have to bother about these matter , its just a young girl who said that "

yes

but we both are so close to her

I can feel how my friend feel so hurt to what that person ( refer as A ) said

to the extend of leaving the fandom

you know

we both have been to kpop world for 5-6 years

yes , it might not be that long to some ( well idk )

but this is our first time being active so much

for a group

despite for my friend ( refer as Z ) who was a Primadonna before

but for me , I never stick to any fandom uptil now

and when this happen 

I am so mad that I am not even fangirling much anymore

there was once that I thought of leaving the fandom

but when I saw A tweeted that she doesnt care

then I think

if I back off , I will get nothing

so I decided to stay

but tbh

for the last whole week

I am trying to spazz around about B.A.P

but .. but 

( omg , I am crying )

I can just scroll down the timeline

and look at people spazzing

I FEEL NOTHING

NO EXCITEMENT AT ALL

I MISS THE MOMENT WHEN I AM FANGIRLING SO HARD

SERIOUSLY , THIS HURT ME SO MUCH !!!

yes

I am in 3 fandoms

but previously when others ask which fandom I am in

I will proudly say that I am a Babys

but now?

I can only say 

" oh hye , I am a cassie and JYJ fan , but I am a Babys too "

nam saying?


( its not that I am not a proud cassie before , its just that : I am a new cassie and a long time Babys ~ 
so hope you understand me and not making speculation about this matter ) 

why I am saying that I am so mad when A say to me and Z about not being supportive?

look

I know I am not doing much

not to Z either

but we both are trying so hard to support ot6

you never know how much we work hard 

to collect the money for FIRST SENSIBILITY album !!!

go on crazily voting

making a lot of accounts

crying for their first , second , third win

excitedly screaming for all the MV releases

even to Japanese PV

and to all merchandises

we even gather most things pertaining to B.A.P

( we have like , most merchandises? esp to things that we are afford on )

and excitedly discuss about saving money for LOE

though we know that we are not that capable
etc etc etc

Z and me are students

and our parents are not that type who will give us money to whatever that we want

means : we have to work on it ourselves

and you never know how the feeling is

when all the excitement go and LOST JUST LIKE THAT !!!

and when someone said that we are not a supportive fan?

I DO CURSE A LOT

TO THIS MATTER

I DO CURSE 

and I KNOW I AM NOT SOMEONE WHO WILL CURSE FOR NOTHING

means : what she said was really something that hurt us badly 

I still remember that I am making the second twitter account to spazz around

been suspended twice during 1004 era

tweet like a crazy girl , all in caps during the show

been crying for the slow wifi since I am waiting to watch the streaming

I WATCH ALL STREAM STAGE FOR GOD SAKE !!!

I AM NOT THAT CRAZY FAN GIRL

I KNOW MY LIMIT

I KNOW WHO B.A.P IS !

I HAVE BEEN TOO LONG IN THIS FANDOM 

OR PERHAPS NOT ( IF COMPARED TO SOME , IDK AND IDC )

BUT WE KNOW 

being in this fandom was something that I will not regret on

since B.A.P is a perfect idol

Babys are the best fandom

but now?

WHAT SHOULD I DO WHEN THE FEELING IS NOT THERE ANYMORE?
mine is not 100% lost , but my friend?
I have been spazzing around with her
this sadden me a lot 

I know Babys are all good

that I admit , we are the best fandom

and both ( B.A.P and Babys ) are not someone that we should blame on

but for some reasons and some people

we lost our interest 70 - 90 %

down to the earth

in a blink

I AM TRYING HARD NOW

SERIOUSLY  t___________t

listening to all B.A.P 's songs back

thinking how I was before about being in this fandom

but I can't lie that ....

1) i need more time? or

2) i need to curse on everyone? or

3 ) or like what I am doing now? crying?

this hurt me so much

it really is 


( honestly I am crying so hard while writing this and listening to 1004 T_T )

you should see how excited I am about this 1004 comeback
ever since the picture teaser
up to the yongguk's gf issue
up to CSI interview
up to tweeting with them
up to the MV release
watching to 3M in few days
spreading all attentions to the whole fandoms about voting

I collect all videos , pictures

everything

even sub the CSI video for Babys to get it permanent

I do it volunteerly 

but , idk where all those spirit go

OMG , what should I do???

another thing

my twitter describe me

can see it here 

that all are now related to Jaejoong
yes I love him too
I love those groups that I am spazzing on
just ... this matter
omg , did you get ma point?

I do talk and spazz about B.A.P

but it will only be within minute

and then I am talking about other fandom

well I am surely do think that I need some time

...and about Z and me...

I know Z

I understand how she felt

and if she wants to leave the fandom

I know that she is right

and I know for me to stay is right

but I can't lie that 

B.A.P is just a memory that I will remember 

deep in my heart
until I get my feeling back

I am listening to B.A.P

and crying out hard

everyday

I know even if Z and me told the whole world about this

nobody will understand us

so lets just wait

what will happen

thanks a lot to all those people who always around to support us

I hope you support will not stop though Z ( or me even , idk ) leave the fandom or what not

and what hurt me most is...

i have been counting for my bias birthday for months

but this happened slightly when it is close enough

I wonder , how can I react

but one thing that I am sure of is

I AM A CASSIOPEIA + JYJ FAN + BABYS
it still stick that way

thanks for all these while

B.A.P is a great group

I will still be in this fandom no matter what

just ... the feeling of excitement 

lets just wait for it to come back

to conclude this

do listen to B.A.P 1004

the lyrics describe me a lot right now

thanks for reading

here , a present :)

me : innocent girl 
8.30 pm
140330

~ I am out ~