I am not ...

if and only if I could sum up of what I felt

people might say that I am complaining a lot

and don't feel thankful for what I have

well , I have been saying the same thing over and over again

its freaking messing my head up

for once , when it comes to family matters

nothing much can be said though it bothered yourself a lot

I am seriously tired to feel this way

its too long to hold it up to the extend that I feel like

shouting and let everything out

I do believe that it is hard to see my anger side

I am too weak to show

because I know how I can go and how bad I can be if I do that

so I tend to shut my mouth up

even for that small action would make people shut

how would you feel will be if I started to argue?

as to some level

I have a barrier of "respect" that I need to hold

and "relationship" that I need to respect

that is the only reason why I shut my mouth up

well , its a normal story aint it?

seeing other people getting money

when you are trying hard to survive

and though you get your pocket money

its only to when you begging for it

WTH is that?

I cant stand letting my mom asking for everything

telling everything for every single thing that I need

as someone who see how I grow up

cant you tell what I need?

do you think it is easy for me seeing things getting worst in front of my eyes?

am I complaining much? yes

will this be settle by telling this here? no

but I have no option but to shut

and being happy is the last option

or seeing you suffer will make me happy?

it still no either

there comes a moment

when I feel jealous

seeing my friend joking and laughing 

with their dad

happily

I am honestly jealous

he is not dead

he is there

alive

but what I can do

as a daughter

but to hate him?

I tend to hate everyone who treat my mom badly

it not only a person , but several

its totally bad to the extend that I wish I wont be meeting

them again once its all come to the exact position

I am always in dilemma when I have to be in the middle

and I am tired to stand there

I am fucking tired faking my smile in front of them

when I honestly want to punch their face 

well , it might only be inside me

and it might only the bias part inside me

I tend to be that bad

I tend to be that bias

it doesnt matter what it is

its not that I cant differentiate what is right and wrong

its a moment that I can only listen and do nothing

I have no strength but to watch

that makes me sad and angry

I feel like a stupid person

playing under someone's game

ya Rabb

I can only pray the best

that the worst will get their actions paid

for the least that I could say

I am not a good girl

because I am not

T_T 

...

I am thankful for what I had

I am sure I have a lot that others don't

I am sure , there are some other who did better too

however

tbh

it might be fair to just sit silently

and stare at everything

listen and don't move

don't interfere

just mind your own business

sit in your own world

don't mind others

somehow

within that thankful feel

there are still somewhere

some gaps

that only you can feel it

only you can throw it

only you can accept it

tbvh

saying to accept everything and move on

is not easy

I AM A REBELLIOUS PERSON 

you should know that

deeply

lost cloud

If I am going to post on a post

I will try my best to look at how I see things

though sometimes

thinking and considered about others

might be a better approach

I have problem with my sleep time right now

it honestly makes me tired

I will sleep after subuh and might wake up way before asr

which is really bad

honestly bad management ever

it makes myself tired

and can't really use what I have

to do what's best in a day

I am blaming myself

yes , no other should be put in line though

well , when you sleep like (the whole day)

and it comes to night

how can I say to myself 

" ouh , you need to sleep right now coz you need to put it back 

to what it supposed" ?

i mean

even if i stayed up

I don't really utilize it wisely though

which can be seen as sth stupid I might say

but I hope it will get better when I am home later

and right now

I honestly haven't cover much

exam is still on

well yes , posting this take my time too

blame on me again

I am just ...

well

I am no good person

will trying my best to improve

please

don't take all things that I said in sad way

as a problem

sometimes , I just need a space to say

things that bother me

though it might sound like a problem

if it relates to someone

when I want others to listen

I will just tell them

not a matter to point on anyone

coz i feel like I burdened others with my problems

which I dont really like it

coz I know

I didn't reply it back nicely

perhaps

even if I am online right now

I feel sad seeing how my brothers and sisters

being attack there

and how as a person

I can't really help them but with doa

I don't have space to complain here

although that might the thing that I always do

I am not an angel that can complete everything perfectly

I am still human

here I am standing

Ya Rabb

please , help my brothers and sisters

please give them the best reward for their fights

please let the other side see what humanity is

please please please

let all of our doa be their strength

May they have the best pace in this month of Ramadhan too

I am just .... T_T

can and only able to provide this small thing T_T