Thursday, July 31, 2014

I am not ...

if and only if I could sum up of what I felt
people might say that I am complaining a lot
and don't feel thankful for what I have
well , I have been saying the same thing over and over again
its freaking messing my head up
for once , when it comes to family matters
nothing much can be said though it bothered yourself a lot
I am seriously tired to feel this way
its too long to hold it up to the extend that I feel like
shouting and let everything out
I do believe that it is hard to see my anger side
I am too weak to show
because I know how I can go and how bad I can be if I do that
so I tend to shut my mouth up
even for that small action would make people shut
how would you feel will be if I started to argue?

as to some level
I have a barrier of "respect" that I need to hold
and "relationship" that I need to respect
that is the only reason why I shut my mouth up
well , its a normal story aint it?

seeing other people getting money
when you are trying hard to survive
and though you get your pocket money
its only to when you begging for it
WTH is that?
I cant stand letting my mom asking for everything
telling everything for every single thing that I need
as someone who see how I grow up
cant you tell what I need?
do you think it is easy for me seeing things getting worst in front of my eyes?
am I complaining much? yes
will this be settle by telling this here? no
but I have no option but to shut
and being happy is the last option
or seeing you suffer will make me happy?
it still no either

there comes a moment
when I feel jealous
seeing my friend joking and laughing 
with their dad
I am honestly jealous

he is not dead
he is there
but what I can do
as a daughter
but to hate him?

I tend to hate everyone who treat my mom badly
it not only a person , but several
its totally bad to the extend that I wish I wont be meeting
them again once its all come to the exact position
I am always in dilemma when I have to be in the middle
and I am tired to stand there
I am fucking tired faking my smile in front of them
when I honestly want to punch their face 
well , it might only be inside me
and it might only the bias part inside me
I tend to be that bad
I tend to be that bias

it doesnt matter what it is
its not that I cant differentiate what is right and wrong
its a moment that I can only listen and do nothing
I have no strength but to watch
that makes me sad and angry
I feel like a stupid person
playing under someone's game

ya Rabb
I can only pray the best
that the worst will get their actions paid

for the least that I could say

I am not a good girl

because I am not


Saturday, July 19, 2014


I am thankful for what I had
I am sure I have a lot that others don't
I am sure , there are some other who did better too

it might be fair to just sit silently
and stare at everything
listen and don't move
don't interfere
just mind your own business
sit in your own world
don't mind others

within that thankful feel
there are still somewhere
some gaps
that only you can feel it
only you can throw it
only you can accept it

saying to accept everything and move on
is not easy

you should know that

Thursday, July 10, 2014

lost cloud

If I am going to post on a post
I will try my best to look at how I see things
though sometimes
thinking and considered about others
might be a better approach

I have problem with my sleep time right now
it honestly makes me tired
I will sleep after subuh and might wake up way before asr
which is really bad
honestly bad management ever
it makes myself tired
and can't really use what I have
to do what's best in a day

I am blaming myself
yes , no other should be put in line though
well , when you sleep like (the whole day)
and it comes to night
how can I say to myself 
" ouh , you need to sleep right now coz you need to put it back 
to what it supposed" ?

i mean
even if i stayed up
I don't really utilize it wisely though
which can be seen as sth stupid I might say

but I hope it will get better when I am home later

and right now
I honestly haven't cover much
exam is still on
well yes , posting this take my time too
blame on me again

I am just ...

I am no good person
will trying my best to improve

don't take all things that I said in sad way
as a problem
sometimes , I just need a space to say
things that bother me
though it might sound like a problem
if it relates to someone
when I want others to listen
I will just tell them
not a matter to point on anyone
coz i feel like I burdened others with my problems
which I dont really like it
coz I know
I didn't reply it back nicely

even if I am online right now
I feel sad seeing how my brothers and sisters
being attack there
and how as a person
I can't really help them but with doa
I don't have space to complain here
although that might the thing that I always do
I am not an angel that can complete everything perfectly
I am still human

here I am standing
Ya Rabb
please , help my brothers and sisters
please give them the best reward for their fights
please let the other side see what humanity is
please please please
let all of our doa be their strength
May they have the best pace in this month of Ramadhan too
I am just .... T_T
can and only able to provide this small thing T_T