what do I have and what I dont?

hello

so , result was out

and mine was terrible

and tbh , i dont remember that result will be announce today

what happened?

i was so busy with my work and training my juniors

we are going to have a debate competition that will be held this weekend

up to next week which depends on the performance of the kids

so when I went straight home

i was so tired , so I slept early

I manage to remember when I saw my friend congratulating me

which makes me 

" what did I do that make you say that "

thats what I thought

then only I remember that result was announced !

thing is

my result was bad

and idk why and what I have done to get that sort of result

what I felt rn might not be how I felt

since I am not having heart pumping fast since

I am not remember the result was announce though

so yeah

when I looked at my result

I was like

" ouh , its out "

ahhhh , should I feel bad?

should I cry?

should I feel miserable?

idk

thing is , I am ... idk , heartless?

I know I am not doing much

but hearing that my housemate gets dean

i was "ouh" - ing again

thats cool syaf , clap to yourself and cry

that might be better to think of though

even I know I wont do that

honestly

for this semester break

i dont really get to just sit and enjoy my holiday

i was busy with works

training and on road in my car

and i feel bad sometimes that I didnt help my mother much

but idk , I know I am not good

thats why

idk

things happened and I know

promising myself to be better can just be another word

that can be said every semester

everytime

just , to comfort yourself

and if that is the best that I can do

why not aite?

yeah

I do think that training my juniors makes me think sth that I couldnt manage to see

which is to just do our best , and let Allah do the rest

my passions , my dreams

might not be 100% at my studies

which I should feel bad

but at the same time

since there are a lot of things to be focus on

and I am still learning

I should always tell myself that

doing what I think is good to myself wont do any harm

and envy-ing others for getting better and I do nothing wont bring me any good either

so yeah

syaf , go and live your life

feel happy and strive harder.

I hope I can manage to handle myself better in the future

>.<