I am not ...

if and only if I could sum up of what I felt

people might say that I am complaining a lot

and don't feel thankful for what I have

well , I have been saying the same thing over and over again

its freaking messing my head up

for once , when it comes to family matters

nothing much can be said though it bothered yourself a lot

I am seriously tired to feel this way

its too long to hold it up to the extend that I feel like

shouting and let everything out

I do believe that it is hard to see my anger side

I am too weak to show

because I know how I can go and how bad I can be if I do that

so I tend to shut my mouth up

even for that small action would make people shut

how would you feel will be if I started to argue?

as to some level

I have a barrier of "respect" that I need to hold

and "relationship" that I need to respect

that is the only reason why I shut my mouth up

well , its a normal story aint it?

seeing other people getting money

when you are trying hard to survive

and though you get your pocket money

its only to when you begging for it

WTH is that?

I cant stand letting my mom asking for everything

telling everything for every single thing that I need

as someone who see how I grow up

cant you tell what I need?

do you think it is easy for me seeing things getting worst in front of my eyes?

am I complaining much? yes

will this be settle by telling this here? no

but I have no option but to shut

and being happy is the last option

or seeing you suffer will make me happy?

it still no either

there comes a moment

when I feel jealous

seeing my friend joking and laughing 

with their dad

happily

I am honestly jealous

he is not dead

he is there

alive

but what I can do

as a daughter

but to hate him?

I tend to hate everyone who treat my mom badly

it not only a person , but several

its totally bad to the extend that I wish I wont be meeting

them again once its all come to the exact position

I am always in dilemma when I have to be in the middle

and I am tired to stand there

I am fucking tired faking my smile in front of them

when I honestly want to punch their face 

well , it might only be inside me

and it might only the bias part inside me

I tend to be that bad

I tend to be that bias

it doesnt matter what it is

its not that I cant differentiate what is right and wrong

its a moment that I can only listen and do nothing

I have no strength but to watch

that makes me sad and angry

I feel like a stupid person

playing under someone's game

ya Rabb

I can only pray the best

that the worst will get their actions paid

for the least that I could say

I am not a good girl

because I am not

T_T